In the Gospel of Mark (6:45-52), we read that Jesus “saw the disciples tired of rowing because the wind was against them.”
This makes me reflect on how many times I have gone astray, going against what Jesus wanted from me and ending up exhausted while having a false feeling of going the right way. At such times, the waves would hinder me and I would not be able to see that Jesus was beside me – and therefore I would feel no peace or tranquility.
An example of this was when I was discerning my vocation. After having a long experience in a religious community and then returning to my family (as I had serious doubts about what God wanted from me) I preferred not to think about God's call. I wanted to disconnect a little from the community where I had been and the desire I had felt for religious life.
After almost three years of trying to fight the call of God, I felt tired and frustrated. Every time I thought about religious life, I tried to forget; at the thought of it, something inside me lit up like fire, but I tried to put it out. There came a point, though, when I was tired of “rowing against the wind.” Around that time, I met the Little Friars and Nuns of Jesus and Mary, and Sr. Clara, one of the sisters in the community became my spiritual guide. They taught me – through reflections of the meditated rosary and other moments of prayer – the importance of praying and asking the Lord for signs to know what He wanted from me. Something that also caught my attention was their emphasis on the different degrees of giving: how much did I want to give to the Lord – 30, 60, or 100%?
Despite my fears and resistance, I wanted to give 100%. During this journey, and following the advice they gave me, I made a sincere prayer to the Lord and received a concrete sign: and at that moment, I felt a great peace and happiness! Until then, I had felt very sad and my heart was closed; I didn't know where my happiness was. I had always had the feeling that something was missing.
Thus, as the passage of Mark continues with Jesus saying, “Take courage, it is I! Do not be afraid!”, I feel that I need to let myself be guided by Jesus. He leads me out of my comfort zone, out of myself and my pre-established ideas: because only he can calm our sea.
I know that I have a long way to go, as I am only a small vocation of the Lord who had her first steps and signs recently. However, knowing that I am walking the sea with the Lord already gives me a tranquility and peace that only He can give.
These words of Santa Teresa of Avila are a great help to me: “Let nothing frighten you. All things are passing away: God never changes. Patience obtains all things. Whoever has God lacks nothing; God alone suffices.”
--A Vocation