Before I joined the Little Friars and Little Nuns of Jesus and Mary, I made a visit to another community of nuns that seemed absolutely perfect for me. I found this community of nuns online, and they were everything I ever dreamed a convent would be for me. The singing (a talent of mine). The silence. The isolation from the world. Sewing liturgical vestments (my dream hobby). The gorgeous black habits. Absolutely everything. But my heart was torn—I already had my heart set on the Poor Nuns. What was I to do?
My parents suggested I fly out for a week and check them out over my college Christmas break, and I agreed that it would be a wise step in discernment. From the moment of my arrival, I was completely enchanted. Everything was so perfect…but I was here to discern God’s will, not mine. I needed to know once and for all which religious community He wanted me to enter: this one, or the Poor Nuns.
Something weird was happening inside me by Day 2: Unrest. Interior disquiet. Then tears, lack of peace. Why? Everything seemed so perfect. What is there to be upset about? Was this place truly not where I belonged?
I began to realize that the Lord was tugging my heart away from my will and drawing me closer to His. I realized that, ever since my arrival, He had been pointing me back to the Poor Nuns in Louisiana. Every day during that week was filled with confirmations of this, confirmations that came through my prayer and spiritual readings, through coincidences, and through the unrest in my heart.
I returned home at the end of the week truly grateful for the beautiful experience but confident I would not be back for another discernment visit. It was not where I belonged. But there was still something that bugged me for a long time afterwards—I could have put my talents of music and sewing to good use there. And I would use them for the glory of God! Why did He not call me there? Well, I understood the answer only after joining the Poor Nuns: in the other community, I would have been one of many. Everyone there learns to sew and to sing. But here, I fill a very important role in our ministry. I am the one here in America who knows how to make our habits, and I am the one who is most capable of leading our singing and chanting every day. But I have also come to realize that my ministry here is much more than just that: God needed me here to work specifically in this charism of evangelization to help save many souls in Christ!
The unrest I felt during that visit has melted away now that I am fulfilling my true vocation. Here I have peace. Not just any peace, though— Divine peace. Peace I thought never could be achieved in this world. Sure, there are struggles. Sure, there are temptations. But as long as I keep my heart fixed on the will of the Lord, peace reigns above all.
--Sr. CMA
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